Is That It?

Pain in the collective college hole

2007-06-19T21:51:00.000Z

Mature students... Vibes and Scribes should put a mental health warning on books previously owned by mature students to the effect of: "WARNING! May contain infuriatingly inane and misguided notes and explanations of simple references, concepts...words..." And what's worse is you just KNOW they scribbled their silly lttle notes with their varifocals practically dripping off the ends of their noses so that they had to cran their heads back a good 45 degrees to even see the page. Muppets.

Kev, come tell me what laptop to get, please?!?

2007-06-15T14:56:00.000Z

Why is it that I have loooooads to blog about at four in the morning, yet turn into some sort of skittle at four in the afternoon?? WHY? And around people that I decide make me feel like an airhead.... I go blank then too and just shut up. That'll learn 'em.

Why is my arse the perfect height for kicking?

2007-06-02T16:59:00.000Z

Dear God,

I know you're a very busy......deity and all, but I'd appreciate it if you could take some time out, (from sticking pins in that little doll that bears a striking resemblance to ME), and try clear a few things up. What the hell (sorry - *blesses self*) is going on? Far be it from me to question Your wisdom, but in all fairness - you just seem to be having a bit of a laugh. Now maybe I wasn't paying much attention the last few months, but somehow, without my noticing it, my life seems to have sloped off out the door and been replaced by a comedy sketch. For instance, last night (Friday night), I found myself at bingo in a bingo hall with old people and everything... It was only shortly after noticing that everyone (except me) had clipboards and blobbers and sucky sweets that I realised that I was in fact in a community centre full of glassy eyed women on a Friday night. And to add insult to (a uniquely non-age-related) injury, I didn't win anything. (And no, I'm not counting the two free bottles of Fruice that the vending machine spat at me as winning).Well, You're a gas man after that.

But seriously, you seem to have dismantled my life piece by piece - I hope you're going somewhere with this.... College is finished, I've moved out (kudos actually:)), I've no job, the summer is stealing my friends and I'm only noticing now. It's like passing out at a party and waking up in a field in the middle of nowhere. Still though, divine plan and all that jazz... just make sure you do something good when you're finished laughing. Thanks God.

Love Yvonne xxxxxxxxxxxxx

P.S. Tell St. Anthony there's a euro in it for him if he can find my navy and cream stripey top...

Thanks, but no thanks...

2007-05-28T11:08:00.000Z

Let's be clear! Just because I don't have a boyfriend doesn't mean you get to feel sorry for me! Who the hell says I want a boyfriend anyway?(well besides me when I'm being whingey - but that's more inane social chatter than anything else, like whinging bout the weather or old people talking bout the deaths on the road - it doesn't mean anything). Seriously though, while I appreciate the sentiment behind people attempting to set me up or console me or give me *grits teeth* advice - don't bother. I'm only a baba and a happy baba at that.

Now, if I do happen to click with someone, well and good - I'll consider things... But even then... Any of the romantic avenues I've decided to pursue in the past have invariably taken one of three routes to nowhere:

Scenario 1. It's not boy, it's me...

Girl meets boy. Boy seems nice. Girl thinks boy is prefectly ok. Boy expresses romantic interest in girl. Girl is flattered and reciprocates. Things go fine, girl gets bored, girl says goodbye.*

*Sometimes boy is less than willing to accept this and persists in stalking girl. Girl does not respond well. At all.

Scenario 2. It's not me, it's boy..

Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy, boy likes girl. Things go swimmingly. Everything falls apart and boy is revealed to be slightly (very) left of all that is good and decent in the world.

Scenario 3. It's not boy, it's not me, it's murphy's motherfocking law...

Girl meets boy. Girl thinks boy is the bees' knees and thrushes' ankles. Boy holds girl in similar high regard, considering her to be the cat's pyjamas. Both girl and boy prevaricate. Situation is hindered by something or other and grows complicated. People interfere. Boy/girl expresses interest, is shot down and loses interest. Soon after, other party regains interst and expresses it, only to to be shot down. Things flip and flop back and forth as such for a while...typically over a period of months (and once even years). Matters are painfully obvious to everyone. Everyone. Eventually however, the whole will-they-wont-they situation is laid to rest in the graveyard of friendship and is looked back on and laughed at. *

*Health Warning: Scenario 3 is not actually as much fun as it sounds... it involves copious amounts of head games and disappointment on both sides - but hey, it's better than scenario 2...

But it's ok, don't worry, I haven't completely renounced romance because there's still another scenario which, although hitherto unexperienced by me, I understand from the amount of telly and films I watch will eventually happen:

Scenario 4. A proper honest-to-god romance...

This scenario sees our by now beloved heroine the Girl meet Boy. Girl and boy click (ususally after a preiod of often hilarious misunderstandings, encounters and disagreement - frustration turns to attraction). Connection is completely unexpected but obvious to all. For cinematic value, scenario often pans out as per scenario 3 - but only up until one headwrecking point, which is followed by the climax of the film, I mean, real-life situation in which Girl and Boy realise there's little point in fighting it anymore and they...wait for it....kiss! SO worth the wait! And they all live happily ever after. Or for a while anyway until they amicably and mutually part ways and noone gets hurt. ahem. Oh ya and somewhere in there before the kiss, boy comes up to girl in a crowded bar, full of his airforce buddies (ok, I'll settle for accountants, electricians, whatever...), and gets them to help him serenade her with 'You've lost that loving feeeling, wooooooah that loving feeling...'

*laboured but contented sigh*
But that could be years off, if at all, so until then - give over, I'm fine as I am thank you very much!

Oh ya and to the two people that think scenario3 is about them:

Boy 1 - ya, twas gas but thank god it's over....
Boy 2 - don't be so sure of yourself, it's probably not even about you...

White Witch

2007-04-05T23:41:00.000Z

I'm practically falling asleep as I write this (with the keyboard exerting a kind of magnetic attraction on my head), so I'll be brief..

A chronology of my life according to Helen Barrett:

Well firstly, apparently my wrinkly palms are a result of the fact that I'm a very old soul (as opposed to any dirty jokes you wish to haul out of their worn and weathered cases)! I'm also psychic - as signified by a cross on my left palm! I'm so old though, that this is my last time in this life - last roll of the dice so to speak. I don't really mind though, given that I've drowned in previous lives and the fact that I'm not due to pop my clogs 'til I'm 84 anyway.

So there's this guy... with whom I shall form a deep bond/connection with at 23. At 25 he'll propose (possibly on my birthday), house at 26, married at 27 and babba at 28. How...common or garden. Sigh. However, this baby shall be a boy and will grow up to be famous. There's also a connection with him and military/sporting medals! Two years later are twin girls, followed by a girl, a boy and another boy - all at varying intervals...'cept I probably wont have all these kids because I'll prob. need sections. Helen's confident that they'll come back as grandkids.

But who's the guy? Well I'm glad you asked! Because I'm not going to tell you! Not here anyway...Ask me in person though, you'll laugh if I do decide to tell you... All she showed me were his initials, but it's gas:) Who elso though..? At 35, I'm going to be tempted by someone returning into my life with the initial 'G' (is that a bell you hear ringing?). If I succumb to the affair, it'll break my heart and my marriage..It's going to be a 'major decision' apparently. Not much of a decision from where I'm standing... Other initials in my hand include an M with a star inside it (indicating celebrity). Or W depending on your point of view...

What else...erm... oh ya, I'm going to have a dog and a horse, live in a large house on a hill and retire at 60. I'm going to travel loads and I've an inordinate amount of luck coming my way. I should return to Ireland eventually though..

And before you mount your high horse in preparation of deriding all of this - back off; I never said I believed any of it. Anyway, I'm getting a real horse. So there. WOOHOO!

P.S. Apparently men perceive me as beng innocent.

P.P.S. I'll post about Dublin sometime when I'm feeling a little more lucid... Did I mention ELECTRIC PICNIC? No? I will do... Fair warning...

What the HELL happened to all that time since Christmas?

2007-03-21T02:19:00.000Z

There's a week and a half of college left. HOW did that happen? No seriously, I'd like those three months back please. As for whoever's messing with time; enjoy what precious little of it you have left, before I track you down and pull your liver out your arse. Just ask that little bollox with the rain dance...

The Penguin

2007-03-15T01:07:00.000Z

What's to be done about this 'mature student situation'? I was happily doodling/paying attention down the back of a lecture (on conflict resolution) today, when I was astounded by what suddenly poured out of the mouth of one of our visiting mature students.

Visiting from what course we're not sure, we just know that there's a group of them , they're not in our class and they never talk to us... Yet they have no problem talking to our lecturers. They address them by first name in fact and feel quite comfortable in interrupting class to do so. I know what I sound like. I don't have a problem with anyone asking genuine questions or offering their opinion if they genuinely feel it's relevant, what I do have a problem with is attention seeking and 'showing off'. Penguin is a repeat offender (and usually insults the research and experience of lecturers by explaining that she 'thinks' they're wrong. Why? She doesn't know, she just thinks so...), but today it was her sidekick's moment of glory.

'Arbitration' had just been explained to the class as a situation where a neutral third party (an arbitrator) is introduced to mediate between two conflicting parties. The arbitrator then makes a decision which is imposed upon both parties... That was it more or less anyway. Simple enough, ya? So the lecturer moves on, only to be interrupted with:

"Sorry, just going back to the arbitration thing there.. that's like a situation involving the ombudsman isn't it?"

Lecturer smiles (cos she's lovely/medicated), and agrees, commending the student and once again attempts to move on, only to hear:

"Well..ya, because when a bank has a problem with a customer, they have to call in an ombudsman and the bank and the customer have to accept the decision. I know that happens in banks. That's arbitration."

Groundbreaking.

THIS just in:

2007-03-12T04:13:00.000Z

Anthony has a lovely bum...YES!! ANTHONY WHELAN HAS AN ASS!!!!!...and a fine one at that, irrespective of a worrying tendency towards nudity. In fairnesss though, I can understand why. Don't be fooled by his clothes, the boy got junk in the trunk! I didn't think he had so much as a trunk like.. For anyone who doesn't understand the significance of the post...then I'm sorry, but it's shaken everything I thought I knew about him for as long as I've known him. Anthony 'that guy with no bum' Whelan has a bum!!

And no, that's not it in the picture. Also, don't bother searching 'man ass' in google images...

The funniest thing in a loooooooong time..

2007-02-26T20:04:00.000Z

Dan fell on flat on his arse. In front of loads of people!!

Hahahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahha

Privileged to be one of those people, the incident was made all the more hillarious for me by the fact that he was attempting to be sarcastic in pretending to run away from me. Aww, good shit man, it was right outside the Boole and a group of girls screamed and everything! It was like watching a rag doll with flailing arms. I should really stop laughing now, it was well over an hour ago and the other people in the lab don't get the joke:O

(Heeheeheeheeheehee, the suggested labels for this post are: 'scooters, vacation and fall')

Oh ya, Liverpool was great. 'Cept for the Welsh men upset.... Why dangle happiness in front of me only to yank it away again??? It's ok God, I forgive you; even deities mess up now and again. Besides, Daniel's fall has gone some way towards healing the pain and I know you're working on sending me more Welshmen.

Story!

2007-02-14T02:22:00.000Z

I've been threatening to do this for a while now... Hmmm, wasn't ready for feeling so self conscious though. I'm becoming paranoid about my spelling. And I know that the syntax millitia are going to be combing this. Fear..welling up... And breathe out. I just want to bitch.

If nothing else, my grievances will be structured: here is a numbered list of my gripes:

1. The warped version of Murphy's Law that seems to apply to my life: no matter how well (or badly) I think I'm doing, things will go ahead and turn out whatever damn way they want to.
It's like the feeling of typing in your student number (or something) only to look up and realize that num lock was off. Actually, a better way to describe it is as a jinx. You arrive at the conclusion that a situation is xyz, and you can be sure (if only from your own certainty) that the situation is anything but xyz.

2. Shitistics.
"There are lies, damned lies and statistics."
Disraeli was onto something...

3. The Token Women on 'The Panel'. I love 'The Panel' and I love women, but seriously... Anna Nolan??? Giving women spots on the show based on the fact that they have ovaries is retarded, much less politically correct. It's demeaning. None of them are funny, they insist on telling these anecdotes (which usually go nowhere), are nice to the guests and act all offended if one of their male counter parts says something risque(funny). Bints.

4. Bebo moving from the traditional alphabetical arrangement of friends to 'random, but you can sort them out yourself if you really want to'. No thanks, you used to do that for me. This 'Luv' is becoming a bit of a burden aswell. There are people odd at me because I haven't 'luv'ed them yet.

5. Emergency Tax. Emergency??? There'll be an emergency if Pizza Hut don't give me my motherfucking P45. Oooh, cursing on blogger? Can I?
Also, they spray on a foam to create the 'freshly baked' gold colour on the crusts. Of course the dough itself has been soaked in soy oil and rising agents over-night anyway so don't worry yourself unduly about the foam. Quite frankly, the use of bleach and work-top degreasing chemicals to clean the inside nozzles of the ice-cream machine is probably the most unsettling of all....

6. Living at home. Dose.

7. Which leads me nicely onto the deathtrap of a car I (struggle to) drive. The brakes went in the middle of a busy junction last Friday (apparently due to a cracked wire to the distributer and the fuel pump..). If not for the handbrake I'd be writing this from the beyond (I'd probably have posessed someone...what a laugh.. you could go see people naked and stuff..). But where was I? Oh ya, so, a little shaken, I ring my father the mechanic. Do you know what he said? "Dose."

8. The C.E.C., (Cork Enterprise Centre). It's like C.I.T. (pipes running along the ceiling, glaring white-wash type walls...) and faaaaaaaaaar awaaaaaaaaay from all my non psych friends, who I just KNOW are laughing it up in the Old Bar.

9. Eoin pointing out the fact that Lilly Allen's 'Smile' and whoever sings 'Stars in their Eyes' are basically the same song. I've tried explaining it to people and they just think I'm inbred or something. Possibly because I can't articulate it.. Please feel free to do so below.

10. My circadian rhythms. Teenagers and young adults perform (cognitively) better when they stay up like rillllly rillly rilly late at night and sleep in rillly rilly rilly late in the day. Brilliant for late night rants, not so beautiful for college attendance.

My GOD that felt good! I feel so liberated... I may go burn my bra... (Not really, it's one of the nice ones from Dunnes).