Pain in the collective college hole

Mature students... Vibes and Scribes should put a mental health warning on books previously owned by mature students to the effect of: "WARNING! May contain infuriatingly inane and misguided notes and explanations of simple references, concepts...words..." And what's worse is you just KNOW they scribbled their silly lttle notes with their varifocals practically dripping off the ends of their noses so that they had to cran their heads back a good 45 degrees to even see the page. Muppets.

Kev, come tell me what laptop to get, please?!?

Why is it that I have loooooads to blog about at four in the morning, yet turn into some sort of skittle at four in the afternoon?? WHY? And around people that I decide make me feel like an airhead.... I go blank then too and just shut up. That'll learn 'em.

Why is my arse the perfect height for kicking?

Dear God,

I know you're a very busy......deity and all, but I'd appreciate it if you could take some time out, (from sticking pins in that little doll that bears a striking resemblance to ME), and try clear a few things up. What the hell (sorry - *blesses self*) is going on? Far be it from me to question Your wisdom, but in all fairness - you just seem to be having a bit of a laugh. Now maybe I wasn't paying much attention the last few months, but somehow, without my noticing it, my life seems to have sloped off out the door and been replaced by a comedy sketch. For instance, last night (Friday night), I found myself at bingo in a bingo hall with old people and everything... It was only shortly after noticing that everyone (except me) had clipboards and blobbers and sucky sweets that I realised that I was in fact in a community centre full of glassy eyed women on a Friday night. And to add insult to (a uniquely non-age-related) injury, I didn't win anything. (And no, I'm not counting the two free bottles of Fruice that the vending machine spat at me as winning).Well, You're a gas man after that.

But seriously, you seem to have dismantled my life piece by piece - I hope you're going somewhere with this.... College is finished, I've moved out (kudos actually:)), I've no job, the summer is stealing my friends and I'm only noticing now. It's like passing out at a party and waking up in a field in the middle of nowhere. Still though, divine plan and all that jazz... just make sure you do something good when you're finished laughing. Thanks God.

Love Yvonne xxxxxxxxxxxxx

P.S. Tell St. Anthony there's a euro in it for him if he can find my navy and cream stripey top...

Thanks, but no thanks...

Let's be clear! Just because I don't have a boyfriend doesn't mean you get to feel sorry for me! Who the hell says I want a boyfriend anyway?(well besides me when I'm being whingey - but that's more inane social chatter than anything else, like whinging bout the weather or old people talking bout the deaths on the road - it doesn't mean anything). Seriously though, while I appreciate the sentiment behind people attempting to set me up or console me or give me *grits teeth* advice - don't bother. I'm only a baba and a happy baba at that.

Now, if I do happen to click with someone, well and good - I'll consider things... But even then... Any of the romantic avenues I've decided to pursue in the past have invariably taken one of three routes to nowhere:

Scenario 1. It's not boy, it's me...

Girl meets boy. Boy seems nice. Girl thinks boy is prefectly ok. Boy expresses romantic interest in girl. Girl is flattered and reciprocates. Things go fine, girl gets bored, girl says goodbye.*

*Sometimes boy is less than willing to accept this and persists in stalking girl. Girl does not respond well. At all.

Scenario 2. It's not me, it's boy..

Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy, boy likes girl. Things go swimmingly. Everything falls apart and boy is revealed to be slightly (very) left of all that is good and decent in the world.

Scenario 3. It's not boy, it's not me, it's murphy's motherfocking law...

Girl meets boy. Girl thinks boy is the bees' knees and thrushes' ankles. Boy holds girl in similar high regard, considering her to be the cat's pyjamas. Both girl and boy prevaricate. Situation is hindered by something or other and grows complicated. People interfere. Boy/girl expresses interest, is shot down and loses interest. Soon after, other party regains interst and expresses it, only to to be shot down. Things flip and flop back and forth as such for a while...typically over a period of months (and once even years). Matters are painfully obvious to everyone. Everyone. Eventually however, the whole will-they-wont-they situation is laid to rest in the graveyard of friendship and is looked back on and laughed at. *

*Health Warning: Scenario 3 is not actually as much fun as it sounds... it involves copious amounts of head games and disappointment on both sides - but hey, it's better than scenario 2...


But it's ok, don't worry, I haven't completely renounced romance because there's still another scenario which, although hitherto unexperienced by me, I understand from the amount of telly and films I watch will eventually happen:

Scenario 4. A proper honest-to-god romance...

This scenario sees our by now beloved heroine the Girl meet Boy. Girl and boy click (ususally after a preiod of often hilarious misunderstandings, encounters and disagreement - frustration turns to attraction). Connection is completely unexpected but obvious to all. For cinematic value, scenario often pans out as per scenario 3 - but only up until one headwrecking point, which is followed by the climax of the film, I mean, real-life situation in which Girl and Boy realise there's little point in fighting it anymore and they...wait for it....kiss! SO worth the wait! And they all live happily ever after. Or for a while anyway until they amicably and mutually part ways and noone gets hurt. ahem. Oh ya and somewhere in there before the kiss, boy comes up to girl in a crowded bar, full of his airforce buddies (ok, I'll settle for accountants, electricians, whatever...), and gets them to help him serenade her with 'You've lost that loving feeeling, wooooooah that loving feeling...'

*laboured but contented sigh*
But that could be years off, if at all, so until then - give over, I'm fine as I am thank you very much!

Oh ya and to the two people that think scenario3 is about them:

Boy 1 - ya, twas gas but thank god it's over....
Boy 2 - don't be so sure of yourself, it's probably not even about you...

White Witch

I'm practically falling asleep as I write this (with the keyboard exerting a kind of magnetic attraction on my head), so I'll be brief..

A chronology of my life according to Helen Barrett:

Well firstly, apparently my wrinkly palms are a result of the fact that I'm a very old soul (as opposed to any dirty jokes you wish to haul out of their worn and weathered cases)! I'm also psychic - as signified by a cross on my left palm! I'm so old though, that this is my last time in this life - last roll of the dice so to speak. I don't really mind though, given that I've drowned in previous lives and the fact that I'm not due to pop my clogs 'til I'm 84 anyway.

So there's this guy... with whom I shall form a deep bond/connection with at 23. At 25 he'll propose (possibly on my birthday), house at 26, married at 27 and babba at 28. How...common or garden. Sigh. However, this baby shall be a boy and will grow up to be famous. There's also a connection with him and military/sporting medals! Two years later are twin girls, followed by a girl, a boy and another boy - all at varying intervals...'cept I probably wont have all these kids because I'll prob. need sections. Helen's confident that they'll come back as grandkids.

But who's the guy? Well I'm glad you asked! Because I'm not going to tell you! Not here anyway...Ask me in person though, you'll laugh if I do decide to tell you... All she showed me were his initials, but it's gas:) Who elso though..? At 35, I'm going to be tempted by someone returning into my life with the initial 'G' (is that a bell you hear ringing?). If I succumb to the affair, it'll break my heart and my marriage..It's going to be a 'major decision' apparently. Not much of a decision from where I'm standing... Other initials in my hand include an M with a star inside it (indicating celebrity). Or W depending on your point of view...

What else...erm... oh ya, I'm going to have a dog and a horse, live in a large house on a hill and retire at 60. I'm going to travel loads and I've an inordinate amount of luck coming my way. I should return to Ireland eventually though..

And before you mount your high horse in preparation of deriding all of this - back off; I never said I believed any of it. Anyway, I'm getting a real horse. So there. WOOHOO!

P.S. Apparently men perceive me as beng innocent.

P.P.S. I'll post about Dublin sometime when I'm feeling a little more lucid... Did I mention ELECTRIC PICNIC? No? I will do... Fair warning...

What the HELL happened to all that time since Christmas?

There's a week and a half of college left. HOW did that happen? No seriously, I'd like those three months back please. As for whoever's messing with time; enjoy what precious little of it you have left, before I track you down and pull your liver out your arse. Just ask that little bollox with the rain dance...

The Penguin

What's to be done about this 'mature student situation'? I was happily doodling/paying attention down the back of a lecture (on conflict resolution) today, when I was astounded by what suddenly poured out of the mouth of one of our visiting mature students.

Visiting from what course we're not sure, we just know that there's a group of them , they're not in our class and they never talk to us... Yet they have no problem talking to our lecturers. They address them by first name in fact and feel quite comfortable in interrupting class to do so. I know what I sound like. I don't have a problem with anyone asking genuine questions or offering their opinion if they genuinely feel it's relevant, what I do have a problem with is attention seeking and 'showing off'. Penguin is a repeat offender (and usually insults the research and experience of lecturers by explaining that she 'thinks' they're wrong. Why? She doesn't know, she just thinks so...), but today it was her sidekick's moment of glory.

'Arbitration' had just been explained to the class as a situation where a neutral third party (an arbitrator) is introduced to mediate between two conflicting parties. The arbitrator then makes a decision which is imposed upon both parties... That was it more or less anyway. Simple enough, ya? So the lecturer moves on, only to be interrupted with:

"Sorry, just going back to the arbitration thing there.. that's like a situation involving the ombudsman isn't it?"

Lecturer smiles (cos she's lovely/medicated), and agrees, commending the student and once again attempts to move on, only to hear:

"Well..ya, because when a bank has a problem with a customer, they have to call in an ombudsman and the bank and the customer have to accept the decision. I know that happens in banks. That's arbitration."

Groundbreaking.